Who am I...

Side note: I wrote this back in May and never pressed publish. I think I know why. But I reread it today and I think it's time. Today's edits are in italics.

For those of you following along from the beginning, you know what the answer used to be: Shawna is a single triathlete. Why single first? Because most of my best stories revolved around single life. Plenty of responsibilities, plenty of people counting on me, but when push came to shove I did what I wanted when I wanted. I've reviewed the pros and cons before of being single v not being single. This isn't the time to debate which is better. The grass is greener, blah blah blah. Triathlete was clear. How many times did I say to one of you directly or indirectly, "I can't I have to/I'm going to train."?

But today....Today I am not single. I am not a triathlete. I'm not an office worker. I'm not a coach. So who am I? I have no idea.

I have some new labels that I'm not quite sure how I'm doing with them:

Fiancee: I get to plan a wedding and all that comes with it. We are officially "shacking up" so I keep our fridge and freezer stocked with food. I make sure the clothes get washed and sometimes I even fold them. I'm trying to stay on the upkeep of the house. Trying my hardest to not be anything close to a bridezilla, I'm having trouble asking for things from others. I'm not used to anyone doing anything for me. I have always just taken care of myself. If I wanted a birthday party, I planned it. If my car needed something, I paid someone to do it. I have never counted on anyone to do anything for me as it wasn't really an option;  I have friends who would lament that their significant other didn't XYZ for them, and all I could think was, then do it for yourself. Now I'm checking with someone else before I book travel or agree to go out to dinner after an event. (2 months till we say "I do!" Holy crap the invites have been mailed, my dress is being altered. This is really happening!)

He's cute, I think I'll keep him.

Nonracing Triathlete: I'm sticking to not starting HIM Chat because I've done a crap job of keeping my fitness/endurance up. If I jumped in the river a week from Sunday I would just be in for a complete sufferfest. I have some workouts still scheduled for me, and now I look at them as mere suggestions. I've given myself permission to completely rearrange them and hell, cut them in half. Sometimes I have a good reason, more often I don't. I've never seen so many yellow and red boxes in my training peaks before.

My fitness chart. The sever drop is after MCM 17.

I used to love running, but I don't right now. I'm living in unfamiliar territory with the promise of relocating. If we are relocating soon, why get too comfortable here. I can't run far from our front door because it just isn't safe (unleashed country dogs, no shoulders, no sidewalks). I have about 30 minutes from the front door and then I'm running in circles with nothing much to look at. I haven't found a pool that is remotely convenient. I do think there is decent cycling, but I don't know the roads and I have a (ir)rational fear of getting lost. My network of who I can go out and play with here is minimal to nonexistent. My weight is up so unsurprisingly my pace is down. As much as training is an individual event, I miss the social aspect.I love being out with others or at least being out in the same place as friends. My friends are over an hour from here, unless there's traffic and then it can take 2. (I'm still barely running 3x a week for about 30 minutes. I got into the pool for 1000 yards last night for the first time in forever. I haven't had my bike off a trainer since maybe April. B and I are signed up for the Kiawah Marathon in December. Training should have started last weekend with an 8 mile run. A couple of weeks ago B said the nicest thing to me. He told me I didn't have to run Kiawah with him. I'm still hoping to do the half.)

Throw back race photo of me and the Running Husband.

Step Mom/Bonus Mom: The kids live with us 9 days a month: weekend, school week, weekend. And for these 9 days, my world turns inside out and pretty much my entire schedule revolves around them. I know many of you do this already. Some of you are even thinking: "You knew what you were getting into. You aren't working a day job, what else are you supposed to be doing? Big deal, my entire life revolves around others' schedules. Quit your bitching." I don't really think I'm bitching so much as just pointing out the stark change in life as I knew it to be.  As hard as upending life is for 9 days, I'm am glad we have them with us for more than every other weekend. I have really gotten to know them since we get to spend real time with them. I think I am getting better at this. I used to ask them what they wanted for dinner and now I tell them what we are having. There is always at least 2 tried and true options on the plate and potentially a 3rd they may or may not like. It's eliminated me feeling like a short-order cook. Thisisfive (she turns 6 in a couple of days) and I made homemade cookies and frosting last week. She loves the KitchenAide, but it might just be because it's pink. B-minor has successfully pinned me at least a dozen times and has gone from uber picky eater to trying foods and liking many of them. I'm not taking full credit for that, I know a lot is maturity, we are just giving him the opportunity. We are staying consistent with rules at our house and it's helping. He is gaining confidence and skills on his bike (he was barely riding last spring) and she is getting it together. Almost ready to work on ditching the training wheels. (He loves trying new things on his bike and she ditched the training wheels in July!)

Lacrosse season is done in a week or two. I'm not consistently training. I don't wake up and leave the house for work. I thought about a part time job, but I can't figure out how to do that and keep the schedule we have set up for the rest of 2018. We have vacations with the kids, weekends away for just us. Come fall we have the wedding and honeymoon. There isn't a place that's going to hire me that will let me take one week off a month so I can be "mom" to two elementary aged kids that can't take the yellow limousine to school from our house (or they would!). I have contacts for babysitting, but they are all over an hour away, and time v. money, it's just not worth it. (I found employment that will work with my schedule. I am cleared to substitute in Gwinnett County and the Kyle Pease Foundation has given me an opportunity at grant writing from the kitchen table!)

I'm struggling with who I am. My identity has changed seemingly over night. Last night I turned to B and told him I need a new hobby. I mean shopping Amazon Prime is a hobby, but not one we can really afford right now. Although, I have a bunch of canning stuff being delivered this week and we'll see how that turns out. He asked if I wanted to get back to tennis and I thought, yes! It's active, social, etc. Now to find a team up here in the countree. I have no interest in losing my friends down south, but I need to find a way to connect up here. Maybe I can volunteer. (We have moved and settled, so I am still working on sorting out some connections here. We went to a group run, but then had to miss the next 2 with prior commitments. I am currently trying crossfit.)

Feel free to throw out some suggestions. Truth: It's hard to adjust to a new place when you are being told you are going to move "soon". (It's time to settle in as B and I both really like the part of town we are in. Well, the hills are kind of a bitch to run.)

Please don't jump on me for not being over the moon with joy at my lot in life right now. I know I signed up for it. Just because I volunteered, doesn't mean I REALLY knew what I was getting in to. Yes, the kids are wonderful. Yes, I'm thrilled to marry B. Yes, I have a great person who is supporting me and I don't have the stress of finding more employment as the lacrosse season ends. Yes, I'm healthy and we have plenty of food in the pantry and fridge and outside freezer (I COOK FOR COMPANY, come visit!!). Change, even good change, can be really freaking hard.

Finally, B always reads my post before I publish. As I told him, I don't know if I'm really writing to share, or just getting this off my chest.

(This entry was originally written in May 2018. I was in a really rough place. I think I've turned the corner. I love the life I'm leading, but it isn't what I was expecting and I had no idea what I had signed up for. I'd really like to thank those of you who have listened to me, kept faith in me, and most importantly, those who let me cry on their shoulder without judgement or at least without doing the judging in front of me.)