My Last Blog....

If this is my last post - I'm going out verbose!

2018 was one hell of a year. B and I rang in the new year with good friends and good food. We enjoyed a week of chill until my job was due to kick back up. Then a year ago today, I received a text that I was needed in a meeting at 10am. I called B and told him I was going in to lose my job. I was right.

Every one loves a good plot twist right?

So things that were planned out around my former position were scratched from the calendar and a new game plan was formulated. This new plan involved me giving up my home in Roswell with the sister-wife and moving in to B's place in Braselton. (It's okay, I didn't know where that was either until I met him.) Talk about a toe-pick! I had lived in the East Cobb/Roswell area since the day I moved to Georgia. It was an adjustment I did not make well. B promised it was temporary.

Change is hard. When it feels like everything is changing at the exact same time, it's really freakin' hard. 

At the end of February I moved in with B to his place (He had a lease and I did not. His place was conducive to his custody arrangement and mine was not.) Paying 2 rents off 1 salary is not practical.

We had a low-key January and enjoyed some snow days with the kids as I tried to settle in up there, but not too much because he had agreed before all this that we weren't staying there.

February kicked off lacrosse season and I returned to the field in stripes. I worked pretty much any day I  could and B got used to me being a road warrior.

I think it was also in February/March that the Kyle Pease Foundation reached out about assisting with their grant writing. I couldn't come up with a reason to not say, "Sure!" I went on to attend some seminars with the Georgia Center for NonProfit and learned a little and then went about it as baptism by fire. I've had success and I've had plenty of denials. Overall, I think I'm doing okay as they have kept me on for 2019.

In April I was at Dynamo Swim Club at my usual Wednesday computrainer class, and my legs stopped working. I couldn't get them to turn over. I left the room, shed a few tears and came back in to try again. But they didn't go. Nothing was moving and the voice I had in my head was spinning on repeat, "I don't want to do this anymore."

I spoke with B that morning and that afternoon on my way to a lacrosse game, I called Coach. He answered, told me he only had a few minutes but had a feeling I needed to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to do the 70.3 I had been training for in May. He basically said it was about time I acknowledged that, that the coaching team was just waiting for me to come to that conclusion on my own. And that was the day I entered ReTRIerment. We continued on with the focus just being on my running, but that didn't last long. By May, I had told Coach not to put workouts in my TrainingPeaks anymore because I wasn't doing them and I didn't want to waste his time.

Because I didn't have a full time job that dictated my time off, we were able to get the kids for a short spring break trip to Gulf Shores, AL with my sister and her family. Total perks of contract work is setting my own schedule.

Lacrosse season came to an end and for the second year in a row, I opted out of the State Championship (I don't know that I would have earned it, but I had worked it many years previously) to spend the weekend in Chattanooga supporting the 70.3.

Now we are in May and we haven't made any real gains towards moving. There were many reasons for this. But I was so unhappy in Braselton I told B that I would move out until steps were in place for us to move. I wasn't calling off the wedding or anything, but I would move out. B said he wasn't helping me move again so we found a house.

In June we took the kids to their first Disney World trip with B's mom, sister and brother-in-law. A good time was had by all, but we needed a vacation from our vacation. The week before we headed to Disney we signed the lease on our current place in Lawrenceville. It's not Roswell, but I'm enjoying being back in the middle of everything. The week we returned from Disney we moved. Thank you MacKay & Sons movers we know not to call you again anytime soon.

Our new neighborhood is a neighborhood. Has all the amenities I was used to within 5 miles. The drive to the kids' school is easy so that keeping our custody arrangement is totally doable. It cut about 40 minutes a day off B's commute. When I do go out running or walking I don't have to carry mace out of fear of loose dogs.

The end of summer had more traveling. We had a great trip to his family's place in Goose Creek, NC. 

Then I took a week up in NJ visiting friends and family and B joined me for a weekend and I crushed his little soul getting him to experience as much Jersey as possible in 48 hours. He enjoyed it so much he agreed that this summer's big trip will be to bring the kids up for a week. 

We visited a few lakes this summer as well. August starts school back up and our traveling settled down and I took on some admin type stuff to help out the Kyle Pease Foundation. I also had my bridal shower and started finalizing details for the wedding. Oh, and I started doing crossfit. Apparently it is possible to do crossfit without posting the WOD everyday on social media. I also spent the weekend at the track with B and his friends at this thing called GridLife.

September was a blur as we got ready for the wedding and took the annual Labor Day trip. Dress fittings, wedding, all wedding. And football for the boy: 3 nights a week and 2.5 hours on Saturdays.

The first week of October was the kids fall break and the week before our wedding. Due to some communication gaffs, they stayed with us that week. B was working. We woke up, went to the gym, went to the playground, and then it was wedding stuff. We made it work.

Wedding weekend was so much fun. So.Much.Fun. Still waiting on all the pictures, but the ones we have seen have been amazing.

Honeymoon. Hawaii. Ironman Kona. Brent and Kyle Pease become the first team of brothers to ever cross the finish line. I mean, why wouldn't we wrap up our honeymoon with 40 of our closest friends? And volunteering. 

November seemed a little calmer as we hosted our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. B ran a half marathon that morning, I did a crossfit WOD. The food was amazing and then we took all the leftovers camping at Lake Moe. Oh yea, and we got a puppy.

December wrapped up the year and saw us with a lot time with the kids as since it was our holiday year, we got some extra custody time with them. I really do love having them around, but this mom gig is exhausting. We had an amazing Christmas. His mom visited the weekend before. Some good friends came over on Christmas Eve. Santa visited and then we met up with my folks to see Mary Poppins Returns. Then we headed off to Hilton Head to just hang out and be with B's dad and his wife, and B's sister and brother-in-law. We stayed through 1/1 making the decision to come home a day early to make it easier on the kids to transition back to their mom's.

It's been a good year. So why is this my last blog? B asked me if I was going to write more. I told him no. Most of the topics I would want to write about these days aren't about me. This blog started as being about me. I am my own story teller and can say whatever I want about me. My life isn't my own anymore. Everything I have to say, I have to presume will get back to the bonus kids or their mom. I talk about a frustration or an accomplishment, how will that translate back? Our relationship with her is decent. I'd like to protect that. Me running off at the mouth (or fingers) isn't going to do that.

So I'm signing off. This doesn't mean I won't vent to some of you, but it won't be in writing....plausible deniability, it's a thing.

Block Went Gray

For those of you who were completely devastated that you missed the wedding of the century click here.

If you notice, our wedding isn't in the top choices on YouTube. So maybe it wasn't quite the wedding of the century, but we thought it was a hell of a good party. We had picked October because we wanted a fall wedding. It didn't work out that way, but the sun was shining and there was no rain in the forecast. It was also a high of 86. We all were sweating. And oh my lord wedding gowns are hot!

So very thankful for air conditioning and the paper fans my sister suggested us getting.

Photo Cred: Karen V.

We kicked off the morning with a group of friends to run a 5k. Bowie and I totally podiumed in the "getting married today" grouping. We were thrilled that so many of our friends and family came out to support our crazy idea.

Photo cred: Andrea S.

Then the bridal party headed over to Sister Wife's apartment for showers and food and then to get beautified at Voila Salon. 

We did most of our formal pictures before hand and a staged first look for B...I think he liked what he saw....

Then the ceremony happened (If you have a spare 30 minutes and care to click, Rich Reed did an amazing job of pulling this together. CLICK HERE for our wedding ceremony)

B's friends and my sister-in-law cranked out the tunes. Can't thank them enough for doing this for us. Our wedding was very much a family affair as my brother was our officiant.

My bridesmaids were rockstars! Asharp kept it together almost the entire day long into the evening. My friends are just wonderful. My niece's beauty is only exceeded by her genuineness. She is my original and forever mini-me. She HAND BEADED my veil over her fall break because the string of beads just wouldn't look nice enough. I am so thankful all of these wonderful girls were a part of our day. My sister was the unsung hero of the weekend. She herded the bonus kids, thought of last minute details, and labeled our cookie bar.

Not only was my wedding gown freaking heavy, it caught on everything. But hey, I always love a close moment with a good friend!

Photo GregG Photography

B and I danced to Are You Going to Kiss Me or What? It seemed appropriate after B would have friend-zoned himself on date three if not for this question.

And the DJ played the Hora and there were not enough Jews in the room, but the few were strong and encouraging and no one was dropped.

Photo: GregG Photography

When it was all said and done, we were Mr. and Mrs. Gray. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't. We would elope!!!

Augusta 70.3 2018, A Race Report

I love this race. I love so much about the Ironman Augusta 70.3. It was my first 70.3.  I know a TON of people who race or spectate. It's my kind of course: down river swim, not much elevation on the bike, and a flat spectator friendly run.

I've done it twice: 2014 and 2016. Both races were remarkable in their own way.

This year, after deciding to not do Ironman Chattanooga 70.3, I thought I would do Augusta. I chatted with coach and explained that I just wanted to get through it. Not race per se. Just do. He thought it was a poor idea. He advocated (hard) for me to step away from training for the sport and to try something new. I'm so glad I listened to him one more time before we parted ways as Coach-Athlete. He's was so right I would have been utterly miserable today.

Instead....B and I went down to Augusta (because why not? We still have 13 more days until our wedding...) and supported friends and strangers and hung out with my favorite sister-wife.

I hemmed and hawed about going. It's a decent drive. We really do have things we could/should be doing. But the energy and feels from hanging out with friends and being around a race like this is almost indescribable.

Saturday night we met up with friends for dinner and decided to swing by St. Paul's pasta dinner just to see who was there. And to no one's surprise, I got to see more than a handful of familiar faces and answer a few questions like, "What rock have you been hiding under?" "Are you racing?" Ummm... no. I ran 3 miles for the first time in months last week. I don't think a 70.3 is in my immediate future.

Unfortunately, I think I missed pictures with Susan and Amy, but it was great to see everyone!

Back to hang out with our hosts for the weekend and we laughed and told stories for a few hours before finally going to bed.

We got up nice and early Sunday morning to be around transition and swim start. The nerves, the energy, the enthusiasm. It's race day! We were able to help a bit with newbie questions as well as get morning clothes bags dropped off.

After the pros took off we went and watched a lot of friends head out on the bike and then honestly had some chuckles watching the bike mount line.

For those who don't know, you can not get on your bike until the "mount line". It's a safety thing. I have always gone past the line, TO THE SIDE and then got on my bike. For some reason today, a bunch of people ran right to the line and STOPPED in the middle! This caused a lot of confusion, bumping, and awkwardness. A lot of shoes were left on the bike, but these folks seemed to have difficulty getting their bikes moving to then get their feet in...lots of wobbling. I've never done it this way because, well, I don't have the skill set. I'm sure it was high stress for the participants, but from the sideline it was chuckle worthy.

From there we walked most of Augusta looking for a place to get food. Surely there are food trucks in Augusta that would be willing to operate on a Sunday morning. I'm sure they'd do very well!

B and I spent a few hours on the course around mile 3 (on the first loop) spotting our friends, ringing cowbells, shouting into a megaphone, and generally just out there making noise for each athlete that passed by. Some athletes looked strong and some looked like they were having a tough go of it. (Biking too hard, being off on nutrition, reacting to the heat, or just not prepared enough for what the day was giving them). It's always funny how long it takes some one to realize you know their name because it's printed on their race bib or on their kits.

It wasn't a complete waste of time as far as the wedding is concerned. On the way home we worked on a list of All.The.Things we still need to do. Spending the weekend with my tri family refreshed my sense of being. And, well, I ordered a new pair of running shoes. Fall has to come around eventually, right?

Who am I...

Side note: I wrote this back in May and never pressed publish. I think I know why. But I reread it today and I think it's time. Today's edits are in italics.

For those of you following along from the beginning, you know what the answer used to be: Shawna is a single triathlete. Why single first? Because most of my best stories revolved around single life. Plenty of responsibilities, plenty of people counting on me, but when push came to shove I did what I wanted when I wanted. I've reviewed the pros and cons before of being single v not being single. This isn't the time to debate which is better. The grass is greener, blah blah blah. Triathlete was clear. How many times did I say to one of you directly or indirectly, "I can't I have to/I'm going to train."?

But today....Today I am not single. I am not a triathlete. I'm not an office worker. I'm not a coach. So who am I? I have no idea.

I have some new labels that I'm not quite sure how I'm doing with them:

Fiancee: I get to plan a wedding and all that comes with it. We are officially "shacking up" so I keep our fridge and freezer stocked with food. I make sure the clothes get washed and sometimes I even fold them. I'm trying to stay on the upkeep of the house. Trying my hardest to not be anything close to a bridezilla, I'm having trouble asking for things from others. I'm not used to anyone doing anything for me. I have always just taken care of myself. If I wanted a birthday party, I planned it. If my car needed something, I paid someone to do it. I have never counted on anyone to do anything for me as it wasn't really an option;  I have friends who would lament that their significant other didn't XYZ for them, and all I could think was, then do it for yourself. Now I'm checking with someone else before I book travel or agree to go out to dinner after an event. (2 months till we say "I do!" Holy crap the invites have been mailed, my dress is being altered. This is really happening!)

He's cute, I think I'll keep him.

Nonracing Triathlete: I'm sticking to not starting HIM Chat because I've done a crap job of keeping my fitness/endurance up. If I jumped in the river a week from Sunday I would just be in for a complete sufferfest. I have some workouts still scheduled for me, and now I look at them as mere suggestions. I've given myself permission to completely rearrange them and hell, cut them in half. Sometimes I have a good reason, more often I don't. I've never seen so many yellow and red boxes in my training peaks before.

My fitness chart. The sever drop is after MCM 17.

I used to love running, but I don't right now. I'm living in unfamiliar territory with the promise of relocating. If we are relocating soon, why get too comfortable here. I can't run far from our front door because it just isn't safe (unleashed country dogs, no shoulders, no sidewalks). I have about 30 minutes from the front door and then I'm running in circles with nothing much to look at. I haven't found a pool that is remotely convenient. I do think there is decent cycling, but I don't know the roads and I have a (ir)rational fear of getting lost. My network of who I can go out and play with here is minimal to nonexistent. My weight is up so unsurprisingly my pace is down. As much as training is an individual event, I miss the social aspect.I love being out with others or at least being out in the same place as friends. My friends are over an hour from here, unless there's traffic and then it can take 2. (I'm still barely running 3x a week for about 30 minutes. I got into the pool for 1000 yards last night for the first time in forever. I haven't had my bike off a trainer since maybe April. B and I are signed up for the Kiawah Marathon in December. Training should have started last weekend with an 8 mile run. A couple of weeks ago B said the nicest thing to me. He told me I didn't have to run Kiawah with him. I'm still hoping to do the half.)

Throw back race photo of me and the Running Husband.

Step Mom/Bonus Mom: The kids live with us 9 days a month: weekend, school week, weekend. And for these 9 days, my world turns inside out and pretty much my entire schedule revolves around them. I know many of you do this already. Some of you are even thinking: "You knew what you were getting into. You aren't working a day job, what else are you supposed to be doing? Big deal, my entire life revolves around others' schedules. Quit your bitching." I don't really think I'm bitching so much as just pointing out the stark change in life as I knew it to be.  As hard as upending life is for 9 days, I'm am glad we have them with us for more than every other weekend. I have really gotten to know them since we get to spend real time with them. I think I am getting better at this. I used to ask them what they wanted for dinner and now I tell them what we are having. There is always at least 2 tried and true options on the plate and potentially a 3rd they may or may not like. It's eliminated me feeling like a short-order cook. Thisisfive (she turns 6 in a couple of days) and I made homemade cookies and frosting last week. She loves the KitchenAide, but it might just be because it's pink. B-minor has successfully pinned me at least a dozen times and has gone from uber picky eater to trying foods and liking many of them. I'm not taking full credit for that, I know a lot is maturity, we are just giving him the opportunity. We are staying consistent with rules at our house and it's helping. He is gaining confidence and skills on his bike (he was barely riding last spring) and she is getting it together. Almost ready to work on ditching the training wheels. (He loves trying new things on his bike and she ditched the training wheels in July!)

Lacrosse season is done in a week or two. I'm not consistently training. I don't wake up and leave the house for work. I thought about a part time job, but I can't figure out how to do that and keep the schedule we have set up for the rest of 2018. We have vacations with the kids, weekends away for just us. Come fall we have the wedding and honeymoon. There isn't a place that's going to hire me that will let me take one week off a month so I can be "mom" to two elementary aged kids that can't take the yellow limousine to school from our house (or they would!). I have contacts for babysitting, but they are all over an hour away, and time v. money, it's just not worth it. (I found employment that will work with my schedule. I am cleared to substitute in Gwinnett County and the Kyle Pease Foundation has given me an opportunity at grant writing from the kitchen table!)

I'm struggling with who I am. My identity has changed seemingly over night. Last night I turned to B and told him I need a new hobby. I mean shopping Amazon Prime is a hobby, but not one we can really afford right now. Although, I have a bunch of canning stuff being delivered this week and we'll see how that turns out. He asked if I wanted to get back to tennis and I thought, yes! It's active, social, etc. Now to find a team up here in the countree. I have no interest in losing my friends down south, but I need to find a way to connect up here. Maybe I can volunteer. (We have moved and settled, so I am still working on sorting out some connections here. We went to a group run, but then had to miss the next 2 with prior commitments. I am currently trying crossfit.)

Feel free to throw out some suggestions. Truth: It's hard to adjust to a new place when you are being told you are going to move "soon". (It's time to settle in as B and I both really like the part of town we are in. Well, the hills are kind of a bitch to run.)

Please don't jump on me for not being over the moon with joy at my lot in life right now. I know I signed up for it. Just because I volunteered, doesn't mean I REALLY knew what I was getting in to. Yes, the kids are wonderful. Yes, I'm thrilled to marry B. Yes, I have a great person who is supporting me and I don't have the stress of finding more employment as the lacrosse season ends. Yes, I'm healthy and we have plenty of food in the pantry and fridge and outside freezer (I COOK FOR COMPANY, come visit!!). Change, even good change, can be really freaking hard.

Finally, B always reads my post before I publish. As I told him, I don't know if I'm really writing to share, or just getting this off my chest.

(This entry was originally written in May 2018. I was in a really rough place. I think I've turned the corner. I love the life I'm leading, but it isn't what I was expecting and I had no idea what I had signed up for. I'd really like to thank those of you who have listened to me, kept faith in me, and most importantly, those who let me cry on their shoulder without judgement or at least without doing the judging in front of me.)

I Lost That Lovin' Feeling....

I've been battling through training and race prep for a while now. Coach saw it. Others saw it. I was in denial. The world of triathlon was and is my social outlet. These people are my friends, my confidantes, my support. 

I have come to dread training. I like to run. I like to swim. I like to ride. I am tired of monitoring heart rate, pace, cadence, watts, etc. I have a ride coming up this weekend and I'm not dreading the distance, but I don't want to do the 'work' intervals. I just want to ride. A friend last year told me I was making this stuff too much like work and that was sucking the joy right out if it, he was right.

I felt pressure to carry on because because I can. I am physically able. I am healthy. I have the time. I have found the funds. There are others out there for so many reasons that can not. They would trade places with me in a blink of the eye. I can do all this stuff, so I should. But I don't want to.

I think part of it is I have a coach who I hired to push me to my greatest potential. His job is not to accept mediocrity from me. I didn't hire him to just get me to the finish line. I hired him to help me get to a stronger version of myself. Right now, though, I'm feeling okay being just whatever version of me wakes up in the morning. 

Maybe I'll buy a t-shirt. It would match my Adultish tee.

These thoughts and emotions aren't new. I've been here before. I almost didn't start IMChat. This year, I think I'm going to act on them. I'm going to pull out of HIM Chat. 

I do not have a good answer anymore when I'm asked, "Why do you do this?"

When you don't know your WHY, it's hard to endure any thing.

Since 2013 I have let my hobby rule my life and it's time to shake things up. After telling Coach what I wanted to do, he supported my decision and asked, "What do you need from me as your coach?" B and I had already talked about this and I had my answer ready. "I want to be trained as a runner who cross trains. I still want to do Triathlon Wednesday because I love being in the Bank with everyone and I still want to swim a couple times a week as I'm making progress and I don't want to lose it all. I don't want to lose an entire day to cycling unless that's what I decide I want to do."

I'm hopeful to grab a couple local tris this summer if they fit in our schedule. We will most definitely be on the sidelines of HIM Chat volunteering/cheering. (and hopefully Augusta, and IM Chat, and IMWC, and IM Florida, etc.)

In the mean time I am going to:

• Keep doing the 3 sports because I like them. 
• Get ready for a winter marathon with B and friends. 
• Plan a wedding. 
• Maybe pick up heavy things and put them back down.
• Maybe restring my tennis racket.

Most importantly I'm going to rediscover the joy of being fit and active. 

I Have a Favorite Grocery Store....

Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time since maybe 2012 or 2013, I didn't plan out my day around a workout. I had no interest in swimming 4400 yards, or cycling 44 miles, or running for 44 minutes or 4.4 miles. I was just going to turn 44 as quietly and gracefully as possible.

B took the day off and we spent the day being foodies in Asheville, NC and Greenville, SC.

43 was a good year for me. I started it in (what I thought was) my dream job as a collegiate lacrosse coach. I became the winningest coach in the program's history and was honored by my peers as the conference coach of the year. I spent the summer traveling for work, getting to know B, and training for my 3rd Ironman. In late summer/fall B and I were engaged:

Less than 2 months later I retired from Ironman with a hell of a PR in Chattanooga.

B and I found our wedding location and we traveled to DC with the Kyle Pease Foundation for the Marine Corp Marathon. That event was a real struggle for me physically, but was most likely my strongest mental day yet. I shaved off about 10-15 minutes from the year before. Go #TeamNaomi!

B and I merged our families together for Thanksgiving and for Christmas we saw (almost) EVERYONE. Wedding planning was in full swing and I prepared for another lacrosse season as a coach instead of a ref.

Then things changed. I was released/resigned from my coaching responsibilities. Huh.

• It was for the best.
• It was a blessing in disguise.
• When one door closes, another door opens.
• [[insert your favorite here]]

I landed on my feet because that's what I do. I took a day and threw myself a lovely pity party and then I called all the lacrosse assignors I knew (for officiating) and got back on the schedules. B and I evaluated options and sped up the process of shacking-up officially. I needed to yield my house as paying 2 rents just didn't make sense. I moved to the counttree. Adulting is hard.

Some days are great, some are difficult. Just like when I did have a steady full time job. So the question has been, "What are you looking for now?" The answer: I'm not. I'm completely LOVING being back in the middle of the lacrosse field with the Zebras. I'm trying my hand at some contract work. I get to cut back on my schedule when B and I have the kids and spend time with them before and after school. I'm taking the break I wanted back in November 2016 but instead went straight from one job to the next. Oh, and B calls me a semi-pro triathlete because I have a little bit more time to train. 

So cheers to: (in no particular order)

• being 44
• being a step mom
• being a lot less stressed
• being in love
• being happy
• being content
• accepting my lot in life right now and being very, VERY happy with it.

I LOVE Aldi... seriously, I do.

Letting Go...Moving Forward...

My Facebook memories reminded me this week that this week in 2009, I told a very important person in my life I no longer wanted to be with him. I didn't want to see him anymore. I needed to move on as we were never. ever. going to be what the other person needed or wanted. It took me a good bit of time to get over him, to move on. I mean years. I think that's reasonable when you break up with someone who has been more than your best friend for 7+ years. 

While I moved on, I still held on. A small piece. I've moved multiple times since that date. Some moves by choice, some not. I always moved this item with me.

This little trinket box held a guardian angel, a four-leaf clover, a heart, and some seas shells. Oh I love seashells! It was a gift he gave me in 2004 when I drove away from NJ and headed to GA. It has moved from NJ to Roswell. Roswell to Marietta. Marietta to Orlando. Orlando to Roswell. Roswell to Marietta. It survived the fire of 2013. It then traveled from Marietta back to Roswell (a different house this time, not my sister's!).

This box has sat on my night stand. It's been on my dresser. It's been in a drawer. It's been on a living room bookshelf. Most recently I just found it in a room I rarely go in, on the top shelf of a bookcase I rarely look at. 

See, I'm moving. Again. But this time, even though the timing is off, the change is welcome. I'm moving in with B.

I moved on YEARS ago but I always held on, just a bit. Today as I begin to pack so we can start bringing things north I'm throwing this away. It is time to completely let go and move forward. 

Life has been quite a roller coaster so far this year and I'm thankful for it.